Or do a But if you haven't tried it yet, at least for a few weeks at a time, put this on your short list of things to try. Many women are wired this way—they can't get turned on unless they feel close to you. If your wife has been rejecting your advances, the last thing you might feel like doing is being kind and thoughtful. You might be thinking of these alternatives too. Your partner has been making you feel like a sex maniac and you've been making him or her feel like a celibate. Sometimes, as things improve and your spouse tries to be more caring about your needs, he or she might decide to become intimate with you even though sex might not be a burning desire. Women often complain that their husbands never touch them unless they want sex. Figure out what you might be doing that could be making your partner respond defensively.
Once your partner sees you focusing on yourself rather than your sex life, he or she just might want to be more involved in your life—in every way. Whatever you can do to create that space to get some mystery and novelty in your relationship can be helpful - and it's not just dressing up in lingerie or role-playing. And that's exactly what you want to do—break out of old unproductive patterns. Lots of women say that men are incapable of hugging without their hands sliding slowly down their bodies. Also, stop talking about sex and focus on yourself for a change. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, Advance online publication. Join a health club. Even if he or she acts defensively, your partner probably spends lots of time wondering why things aren't easier between you. In short, this research tells us a little bit more about how, as sexual desire waxes and wanes over the course of any relationship, some people are able to navigate tricky situations with greater ease and success when one partner wants sex but the other does not. But an affair is a lousy solution. That's normal; you need to accept it. Is this bed death? If all else fails, be brutally honest. You might be fantasizing about someone else—or about packing your bags and leaving. Still, as the more highly-sexed person, you might be at the end of your rope. All I can say is that if you want to improve your sex life and your wife needs to feel emotionally close to you as a prerequisite, doing the things that bring you closer to her is the only way you are going to get there. Respect your partner's sexual prerequisites. Since many women have a strong need for affection without sexual overtones, they get annoyed when every touch becomes a means of foreplay. Examine your marriage beyond the very beginning. He or she may feel inadequate, for example. If your sex drives are so disparate, it's unreasonable for you to expect your partner to take care of each and every desire. Women often complain that their husbands never touch them unless they want sex. If it goes on for a longer period of time, like a year, in many couples, one or more of the parties involved are avoiding. Take them at face value, and try to create the kind of atmosphere that is most likely to be conducive to your partner desiring sex. In our final study, we recruited both members of romantic couples to report on their desire and motivation to engage in sex, or not, for 21 consecutive days. Experiment and watch what happens. Instead, these communal people were more focused on the benefits to their partner of engaging in sex, such as making their partner feel loved and desired.
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